Tag Archives: me

So I talked, sue me.


So I actually started to write this little entry a couple of days ago but I stopped and decided to rewrite it. Why? Well maybe I was being paranoid about revealing a little too much to the world because to be honest it is a little heavy on what makes me tick. To be straight, I went and saw a counsellor aka not a psychiatrist but someone to talk to about problems (usually anything). This one was a free one at my university hired for students and well I guess they are there for students nervous about exam and university life. I went on suggest of a friend who was seeing one and after some initial hesitation I went. Why did I go? Well to be blunt and short and I don’t like my father and with how things were at home with my mother I thought I should patch up my relationship with him so I could live with him and take some financial pressure off my mother (all previous attempts to patch things up went horribly wrong).

Source: Danbooru under the "Orginal" tag

That was the original intention but really we talked about him quite sparely and instead we talked about me and what my relationship was with the world. Again blunt as possible and not bush beating as the original post had been the first big thing we talked about was me and women. If anyone has read previous blog entries they will know how well I work with them and if you haven’t I’ll say this, me and women don’t mix. Now to put on detail since I was young I’ve been shy. Now this is heavy shyness as I was the type who hid behind mother and wouldn’t come out even to the prospect of delicious candy and sweeties. In first school I was labelled “bookworm” as all I ever did was read in the corner and not talk to anyone, adding to this was when I got athletes foot and I was given the simple label “Athletes foot boy” so not only did avoid them I was scorned by them for having to put a powder on my foot, kids really can be cruel. This shyness even extended to high school and beyond, in register periods and lunch time periods and would have my head in a gaming magazine and my ears plugged by a CD player listening to whatever I found (might have been a nirvana CD?).

Damnt hose bullets look dumb as hell. Source: Danbooru

My shyness hasn’t gone away today as even in the last year of University I never gave out suggestions or ideas in lecture and seminars and instead whispered them to a friend to shout out, worse case of that was afterwards they said “Sam said it” and my face would flush in embarrassment from the attention despite it being a positive attention. Anyway bad experiences with women and this general shyness led to DISREGARD women or at least any positive relationship with them being friend or otherwise. To put a groundwork down I don’t hate women, I can find them attractive but no, I will be less inclined to talk to you if I can help it, no I do not want a goodbye hug and good lord if you show some cleavage I’ll be embarrassed for the both of us. This all leads on to me being a “gentleman” as my mother, loving as she is, raised me to be a gentleman. I will open doors, say please and thank you, let them pass through a door first, be generally thoughtful etc. That’s as far as it goes, If I’m forced to hug it’s like a fake hug where I don’t embrace I sort of pat you on the back with the rest of me far away from the women. Despite this I often averted my eyes when talking and even the counsellor noticed this and told me much to my surprise. This try to be a gentleman thing really got silly at one point where it went as far as this “I was walking home after a lecture and was far behind an attractive girl from my lecture group who was walking back to her car. Being behind her and staring forward I looked at her arse. In those tight jeans I have to say I couldn’t help but ‘admire’ -dat ass-. After I realised I was admiring it I got all SHAME THE SINNER on myself and basically told myself off for admiring an arse. That is pretty fucking weird.

Source: Imgur

I feel like I’m missing some details out and I guess I’ll get to them when I remember them. Uh to bring it up to scratch with general shyness, gentleman tendencies, bad experiences with women and terrible school life has made me dislike women for the most part. It’s been a while since I remember watching a TV seeing attractive female celebrity X on TV and thinking like most men would “Yes I’d hit that”. No I just scoff and change the channel to Dave. I think I mentioned before in the blog but when I was dating I was in SUPER SELF CONSCIOUS mode and it when as far as walking ten minutes away from home before walking back to triple check I looked okay to be out in public. Odd yes but that’s how it was. That was just one thing; the other was an apparent lack of emotion and NO THAT DOES NOT MEAN EMO KIDDY. This means when she asked me how I felt about certain things I could never answer, when I did it wasn’t how I felt it how I thought. Thinking and feeling are two obviously different things but hell if I could tell you how I felt. Often she would ask how I felt and I’d have to be stopped because I was saying what I thought and not felt. It got so bad that she gave me a “Wheel of Emotion” which is like a wheel of colour but you had feeling and emotions in it rather than yellow or red. Even with that wheel at hand I couldn’t pick  a feeling out and I was just sat there staring at the wheel before being told we only had 5 minutes left. Awkward eh?

Source: danbooru/whtever that doujin game of castlevania/touhou was

When talking to her about emotions and love and hate for women we tried to find out what I looked for in women and it boiled down to this. It wasn’t how they looked or personality. It was if they had the same interests, the few people I’ve ever been attracted to have all had quite a similar taste whether that be in interests, hobbies or even what we studied. I got close due to interest and after that simply went with that certain flow just because it seemed the done thing. Pretty darn silly eh?

Now I’ve lost where I was going so I’ll stop for now I guess. This isn’t everything I wanted to talk about so when I get things together again I’ll go in more detail. Perhaps answer questions asked because hey if I’m this open on the web and not IRL then I’ll pretty much answer anything. Heck lets talk a little more.

I think it’s good to read back on the stories I’ve done and the fact I didn’t cringe myself to death means they aren’t half bad. Self reflective yeah but it’s hard to create an Everyman when all you know is yourself and what you want yourself to be. Maybe I’ll do another story be it a extension of something already posted or something new entirely. OH WELL. Time to close up, have a sexy reward for getting to the end again. Later.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Source: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Strike Witches 1946 Edtion

Source Danbooru

Short Story: Fake Eyes


Well I’m back again with another fan fiction story that I could make original if I just changed a name. I see to be having some sort of shift towards making romance story’s. Guess that’s a weird urge I have right now, must be the pangs of isolation and loneliness. WELP WHATEVER. I wrote this one in just 2 days and I’m happy for it to be this good in just that amount of time but of course me thinking its good is only my opinion on my own work so it means nothing to anyone. I’ll just stick in the music I was listening to at the time to help you get an idea of what was going through my head while writing as well as pictures of said character and of course I’ll have a sexy reward for the end since it super long. heck I’ll make it two.

-Fake Eyes-

“On behalf of the team I’d like to say welcome.”

“You mean I got it?”

“That you did, congratulations.”

“T-thank you sir.”

“No problem, let me introduce you to your co-workers.”

I couldn’t believe it myself but somehow I got a job at my universities financial office for students. Not only was it a confidence booster but it would look great on my CV and I was living in the moment. Right now I was being shown around the office, where I’d work and what my duties were and who I would be working with. While everything was interesting I was shown one thing that stood out compared to all of them and that was a tall beautiful girl going under the name Adolfine Galland, an odd name yes but the way your pronounced it didn’t set the same alarm bells as reading her name would. As far as I was told she was a recent addition to the team only joining a few months before me but she made it look like she had been there all her life. She effortlessly glided between cubicles and shelf’s picking up files, papers and clipboards making it look as easy as walking, heck you could call it a dance with the way she was so graceful at her job. I was pretty much gob smacked from the word go.

A, Galland. Artist: S Humikane

Fast forward a week and I had settled well in to the job, it wasn’t affecting my studies and I had plenty of time to socialise with my friends. However there was one problem, while I was talkative with everyone in the office I was far too nervous to say anything to Miss Galland, yes I did start calling her that. It was odd I sort of gave her a silent treatment, acting very upright and proper talking strictly business. As soon as she was out of ear & eye shot I collapsed wallowing in my own self pity thinking to myself ‘why on earth was I doing that? Act normal dammit’. It was not until about a month working there did I start noticing her acting a little strange. Sometimes I would peek out from over the cubical and catch glimpses of her staring in my direction at my cubical and when noticing I was looking she ducked down behind someone or something. At this point I was still kicking myself for acting the way I did around but now it was like a reflex, why would I act in such away in front of such a beautiful lady.

Now a month and two weeks into the job we at the office decided to go out to a bar after work since it was a bank holiday the next day and we all had the Friday off, long weekend fun for all of us. Everyone one of us was prepared to get plastered, well everyone expect Adolfine that is. Hearing her talk to another senior co-worker she said,

“I can’t have much, my flat is quite a distance away and I’ll need to walk back pretty early.”

The senior shot back, “Hey why not ask the new guy to stay at his flat? It’s just around the corner from the bar and I know he has extra sleeping stuff as he talks about having his friends stay over for drinking nights. You guys are friend right?”

Source: Pixiv

“No we aren’t, every time I talk to him he just talks business no friendly chit chat or anything he is like a rock to me. Unlike you guys he doesn’t relax near me, did I do something to annoy him?”

“I don’t think so, want me to ask if you can stay?”

“No that’s fine I-“

The senior wouldn’t take no for an answer and she moved down the line of workers to where I was, I feigned ignorance and pretended I didn’t hear them. “Hey hey, would you mind letting Adolfine stay at your flat tonight? She doesn’t have a place to stay if she wants to drink.”

Before I could open my mouth she picked the answer I perhaps wasn’t brave enough to say.

“You will! That’s great I’ll go tell her. You know you shouldn’t act so cold to her, I think it’s upsetting her.” With that she dashed off back to Adolfine with ‘my’ answer and frankly I was now a little bit flustered. I overheard them again despite knowing it was rude to do so.

“He said yes”

“He did?!”

“He did indeed, looks like you’re all set. Try to break the ice with him while we’re out, if he has had a bit to drink I’m sure he’ll be relaxed near you.”

“I guess so, might as well start now.” She gave an awkward laugh before moving down the line to walk next to me. “Hey there.”

I gave the reflex answer back, “Hello miss Galland.”

She gave a small forced laughed as if to say ‘He isn’t going to relax at all is he.’ Before trying again. “You don’t have to call me Miss Galland, we are out of the office just call me Adolfine.”

“Alright Miss Adolfine”

She didn’t even try to hide the sigh but carried on anyway. “Thanks for letting me stay around at such short notice, means I can relax a bit better tonight.”

“It is quite alright, we can’t let you miss out on the fun the other would have. It is not fair on you who work’s just as hard as everyone else.” That was perhaps the first time I remember complimenting her if you could call it that. She was taken by surprise at this.

“Oh thanks I didn’t expect that from you of all people to be honest.”

“Credit where credit is due.”

UNRELATED Source: Danbooru/Pixiv (I kid thee not)

She gave herself a slightly impressed smile, I guess I took her off guard. Right now we’d arrived at the first bar; a little placed called ‘Heroes’. The bar was a nice relaxed one with decent music that wasn’t over bearing; you could easily fall asleep when tired if it wasn’t for the conversations of patrons all around you. The first hour went by rather quickly as we drank our various different forms of the same poison.  She had gone for beer where I had gone for a cocktail, when being served together the barman thought the beer was mine and the cocktail hers so we had to swap them around each time we ordered. Eventually we started talking.

“So” she asked initiating the exclusive conversation between us “Where is your flat?”

“Take a left out of here and keep walking up the road till it turns left, don’t follow the road and keep going down the pedestrian path in front of you. Eventually when you hit road again cross it and you’ll be in front of the Andrew Halls, that’s my flat complex, I live in section 5, room 1. On a corner.”

Oddly she wasn’t happy with that answer. “Do you always talk so business like?”

“Yes, yes I do.”

“FAH! I know you don’t. When around everyone else in the office you are talkative and friendly with a damn smile but when I get near you it’s all different, all business, all serious. Why is that!?”

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“What is the matter? Do you dislike me? If you’ve got a problem just say so!”

“I can hardly dislike someone as beautiful as yourself!”

“Oh he can- Wait did just say that..?”

I had to regain composure and found an excuse to leave her company for others. “If you’ll excuse me” I said “I have to get another drink, I own Linda one.” With that I stood up and headed to the bar leaving her a little shocked and in awe.  I had to regain my own composure before I talked to her again so I decided to sit with the others. Someone piped up, “What’s wrong with Adolfine? Looks like someone dropped a bombshell on her.” I played dumb and kept out of it. I did inquire about her a bit while the conversation was about her. “What is she studying?” I asked innocently.

“Oh she’s doing a masters degree in mechanical engineering.”

I was truly gob smacked at this, “How old is she?”

Sometimes, pouting really gets though to me. Only sometimes...

Another co worker added in, “Ha Ha a lady never tells and you won’t win any women asking questions like that but I will tell you that she is 23 years of age.  Again my disbelief was at maximum and my jaw open giving someone the opportunity to say “Close that trap or a fly will buzz in.” Now I had to take this new information in, she was 3 years my senior but you couldn’t tell by looking at her, her youth and vibrance made her seem my own age but this would explain why she always seemed so mature and learned. I was at dead end in what to do. After coming off all business like and then give her an unexpected compliment after she though I disliked her was one thing but she was doing a master as well? I was out of my depth.

The night dragged on as our pub crawl went on through the night. We moved from bar to bar, pub to pub and eventually the younger members of the office, me and her included, moved on a club. This particular one was called ‘Sign’ and from what I could tell in my own intoxicated haze it was based in a former giant wine cellar is distillery. The music was loud and the bass rattled my frame but I didn’t care I was too busy dancing though the lights, lasers and fog to even think about what was playing so long as the bass line was addictive. Naturally this pace of energy couldn’t be kept up and I retired up the stairs to a quiet area and the sit down bar.

I placed myself at a stool on the far end away from the bar entrance ordering iced water to help me start an early recover to the inevitable headache I’d get in the morning. I’d been there a few minutes before I noticed Adolfine had taken a seat at the other far end. She was looking through her wallet with disgust, it looked like she had spent all her money and now couldn’t afford a drink. It felt right to help her out in this situation and asked the bar keep to give her what I was having, sure not the usual thing to do since it wasn’t wine but it would help her. I paid for the water and decided to vanish out of sight before she realised it was me. I did however underestimate the barman’s efficiency and before I had come to the conclusion of getting the hell out of dodge he had already delivered the drink to her and told her it was from me.

Kind of like this?

See turned to look in my direction but I had already turned my own head the other way in a pointless play of innocence that couldn’t fool anyone. After a while I turned my head slowly to see if she was still looking my way and I cursed under my breath as I noticed she still was. Now we were staring at each other from across the bar both of us a little red in the cheeks from the alcohol circling our veins. She gave a gentle smile and a little wave and I managed to send the same back before looking at my drink again. Suddenly the seat next to me was brought to life as she had moved to sit next to me.

“Hey” she said without a hint of slur in her voice “Thanks for the drink.”

“No problem, just looking out for your health.”

“Oh very like you, I guess I could expect something like this from you.”

“Sorry, should I order a wine or some shots instead?”

She laughed, “Ha ha no this is good, and it’s nearly 3 so it’s about time we went home anyway. The others have started to go home so it’s just us here now. Lets finish up and get back to your flat.”

“My flat? Oh oh yes of course you’re staying over how silly of me.”

“Did you forget?”

“No it’s just after this much to drink you tend to forget certain parcels of thought.”

“Very true spoken like a true student.”

We finished up and made our way back to my flat. We used each other to proper ourselves up as we walked down the quiet city centre road neither of us talking to each other but rather a silent communication of appreciation for the other as a stand to lean on. At the flat we took another glass of water each to drink before retiring to my room. Luckily I had cleaned recently and the room was as presentable as I could have hoped for. I grabbed a blanket off my bed as well a single pillow before laying them out and saying to her, “Gentlemen take the floor” and near collapsing.

She asked me, “Are you alright I’ll happily take-“

I cut her off, “Don’t make this hard because I can’t be arsed to get off the floor now okay?”

She chuckled slightly “Alright goodnight Mr Gentlemen”

“Goodnight Adolfine.”

“Goodnight.”

As I drifted off to sleep I felt between the haze of alcohol and the overwhelming temptation of slumber a small kiss on my cheek. I barely registered it but when I did I knew exactly what it was.

The next day we both roughly woke up at the same time, she arose with a yawn and a stretch while I rose with a groan, the floor was perhaps a bad idea. She enjoyed a bit more of a lie in while I went to grab some water to sooth the slight thump of a headache I had in my head. Before heading back to the bedroom I stopped in the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror and frankly I was in for a surprise. Upon my cheek where I’d felt the kiss I found a rather obvious lip stick mark. I couldn’t wipe it off and save her the embarrassment, I felt like being a little mean.

I walked into the bedroom after knocking the door. She was sat up in bed relaxing and watching the street outside the window. She noticed the lip stick quicker than I expected. “Don’t move.” She demanded of me. I froze on the spot as she clambered out of bed, I was soon greeted to another surprise. She wasn’t wearing any trousers and so it was just her in the shirt she wore the night before and her pants. She attacked my face with a cloth right where the kiss mark was not caring nor I guess realising she wasn’t decent.

“Uh uh…” I stuttered as the cloth went around my cheek.

“Sorry but there is something horrible on your face.”

“No not that, you aren’t d-decent.”

“I’m not what?” She paused and looked down realising what I was talking about and immediately jumped back in to the bed covers.

I straight away made an exit to the bathroom. Apologising profoundly as I went. She called out five minutes later saying it was okay for me to come out. She asked if she could use my shower, I said yes and so had to exit the ensuite bathroom. I went to the communal lounge area to sit down and collect myself. I’d seen and done more than I had ever planned to and I wasn’t sure how to proceed. My thoughts were a mix of, ‘why did she kiss and did it mean something?’ to ‘dear god I’ve seen her in her pants, she’s going to kill me. The door opened and the person on my mind came though. Now showered she was looking rather stunning and that was being rather polite if I wasn’t I’m not sure I could repeat what I’d say in public. On the other hand I was a wreck, a shadow of my former self something the cat had dragged in last night. I walked past her to use the shower myself and oddly she followed me right up to the bedroom.

“Uh I’m going to have a shower?”

“Okay enjoy yourself, I’ll be in here, mind if I use your PC?”

“Uh sure, just use the guest account, it’s not passworded.”

“Thank you, see you in a bit. Enjoy yourself.”

“Uh thanks?”

It was a difficult shower with her being only a wall away from my exposed self and the fact she was asking questions while I was showering. She must have enjoyed the serious mixed with awkwardness answers I gave her. As I clambered out the shower I realised something, I was missing a towel. She had used the one towel I kept next to the shower. The spare was in my chest of draws next to my underwear. I bit my lip and gave a quiet ‘ffffffffuck’ under my breath. I called out to her.

Source: Pixiv (All I can say is damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn)

“Miss Adolfine, could you please go to my chest of draws and open the bottom draw, on the right hand side there will be some towels. Could you come and pass one to me?”

“Sure sure just a second.”

As I heard the moving of draws and the rummaging of clothes I head a small laugh. “You have the scream painting on a pair of boxes?”

“Y-yes! Just pass me my towel and I guess the boxers as well.”

“Alright, alright here you go.”

She passed the towel and boxers though the small gap in the door and I began to dry up and get changed. After getting her to leave the bedroom I got changed and once again I was revived. Finally fresh and clean I invited Adolfine back in the room.

“Want to get some coffee?” I asked

“Sure I’d love some.”

We grabbed our coats and headed to the door. We went to a local coffee shop after hitting an ATM where we each order our preferred caffeine enriched drinks and a bit of breakfast, she offered to buy me breakfast as well which I refused till I couldn’t help but ask for a cheese and ham Panini and in my own defence it as just worth it for sleeping on a floor. We discussed a bit more about ourselves and I learnt quite bit about her. Numerous times we would look at each other and while I would turn my head with a slight blush she wouldn’t and gave a small laugh for my actions. Eventually we had to part ways and I would see her at work again.

At work there was quite the different atmosphere between us. Not only were we talking more regularly but I was being a little less formal and her slightly more forward. She complimented me several times a day and we often had lunch together. I returned those words with little surprise gifts like random cups of coffee when she looked tired or even a little message of encouragement for all her hard work. This lasted a couple of weeks and one day I gave a small flower but she never spoke to me for the rest of the day. I was quiet disheartened as I thought ‘maybe I’ve over stepped a boundary’.

A few days later it was her day off and I was told to take her some newly issued rules and help handbooks. After a little map work from my co workers I set off to find her flat on the campus grounds. I got lost a few times but I didn’t let it get me down, I could after all try to patch things up with her about the flower. I didn’t want to spoil a good friendship so quickly. I knocked on her door and waited.

A voice called out, “Just a sec I’ll be there.”

She answered her door in clothing I’d never seen before, a petit dark blue T-shirt and the oddest black pair of leggings I’d ever seen. They were skin tight put at the sides they had holes as if someone had stolen the pockets; easier enough to fit your hands in. Not that that though had crossed my mind I lied to myself mentally. She was surprised to me, “Oh hey I wasn’t expecting you of all people.”

I gave a small smile, “I’m here to pass on some stuff, and it isn’t work so I’m not running your day. Just some new rules and regulation books.”

“Oh thanks, would you like to come in?”

“Ah well um I guess so I do have the time as I’m finished for the day.”

“Good good come on let’s get you a drink.”

“Ah thanks.”

We sat down in her kitchen, for a university accommodation it was rather glamorous like a studio apartment and I was thoroughly impressed.

“So” I started knowing it was better for me to get it out the way. “I’m sorry about the flower I guess I over stepped a boundary and for that I apologise profoundly. I-” She cut me off,

“Stop”

“But”

“That flower, what does it mean?”

“It-it was a gift for a beautiful woman.”

“Do you think being called beautiful is an insult?”

“No madam”

“Well there you go. Ha ha you’re so cute when you aren’t being all proper.”

She grabbed my hand causing me to nearly flinch as my head shot up to look at her directly, “Hey what do I mean to you?” I could hear myself gasping for air, words anything really, I needed to do something. She leant in closer and asked again, “What do I mean to you?” I brought up my other hand and but it on her hand that she was holding me with. I started a slow speech.

“I…you…” I took a deep breath “You are someone who I want to be close to, you are someone I find more beautiful than natures splendour. I don’t exaggerate and you may find this not the most moving of speeches but it comes from my heart. I know you’re a lot older than but…”

I was cut off by her squeezing my hand rather tightly she was leant across the small table and so was as well much to my own surprise. I was red faced in embarrassment and she too was heavily blushing. We were leant in so much that our foreheads were touching and we were way too close to each other for just friends. Now we were grasping at each other’s hands. I was rubbing her fingers with my thumb as a sign of affection hoping that my actions spoke louder than words. She moved her head up so that we were now face to face, point blank.

We kissed. First a small few pecks before drawing away from each other and staring at the face of the one we were opening up to. Our faces were both heavily blushing and we both looked out of breath. My heart was overloaded with energy beating with such force it felt like force its way out of my body. We inched in closer and began to kiss again but soon found out the table between us rather quite in the way so we instinctively moved to a sofa for more intimate distance between us. Somehow I had her sitting on my lap and it wasn’t the romantic position ever, she was actually quite taller than me so even with me looking up and her looking down our lips couldn’t meet and I had a rather splendid view of her chest. We swapper places too much better affect and began again.

Soon after 20 minutes of kissing we broke off, each of us was heavily breathing gasping for air that our embrace didn’t allow. Though it was odd that I was on her lap we didn’t take heed to it and soon we began petting and kissing. Our hands found their way around each other. I placed my hands around her waist and rubbed my hands up and down it in a rhythmic fashion pleasing to the touch. Her own hands were on my hips holding me tightly to the spot. I was in pure bliss.

After what felt like an eternity we stopped and came to our senses. Our prolonged session had meant that now we were aware of our surroundings we both released we were very hungry. Thinking maybe we should tell the world of our newly found love we decided to go out the door hand in hand.

I thought this was going to be heaven.

I was hit by a car the next day.

The End

Well I hope you enjoyed that. No really I do because if you read this much and hatred it I’d be sad. Ah well

2X sexy reward for getting to the end.

Source: Danbooru/Pixiv/Twitter

Some Touhou fans are massive asses. Source: Danbooru


Loved but not in Love


Well I’ll just spill the beans here, give the fullest, as far as I can tell, closure about my first relationship. It is not a pretty story but its a lesson I’ve learnt and honestly I think I’m more distrustful of women because of it. Alight of recent events, its now, right now, the hardest time to open up to people. If I’ve opened up to you personally one on one. It means I’m trusting you alot.

No theme on the pictures today, just what I like.

OH  MAN TOUHOU! I LOVE TOUHOU

OH MAN TOUHOU! I LOVE TOUHOU Source: Pixiv

With out further ado.

Ever had a relationship when you loved someone but you weren’t in love with them? My first one was like that. I fell for a girl in the art department of my university. She was the head of the anime society and despised Naruto, which was what first clicked my interest. (I’m well aware how bad that makes me sound to some of my friends who like Naruto in the Anime society but sorry guys it’s the truth.)  She was a kinda petit (short) girl, kinda chubby, well not slim but not fat, regardless at the time, sexy. She had a nice smile that I remember but I soon learnt better.  Each day during the first year of anime society after getting picked up for home I would ask my sister “How do you know when a girl likes you?” While that may seem a 12 year old question to ask but before this I had taken no interest in relationships, quite frankly my sister was shocked when I first asked her. Eventually it was elections for position on the society executive board. At a last minute gut decision I opted in for vice chair, I won it in a Rock paper scissors comp between me and the other candidate since votes were tied. The first stage was done, I had excuses to get close to her, by being nice and lending her movies we talked more and more face to face and on skype.

Sexy Revolver

Sexy Revolver : Source is the internet

We arranged for the society to go on a trip to bowling and luck would have it no one could make it so we had a day to hang around

She said she was going to the cinema on her own early in the morning, I offered to go with her and she accepted. Meeting her 9am outside the cinema (again after another lift from my mother and step dad, the fact I was taking an interest with a women must of spurred them to go out of their way) we saw Watchmen together. This was going so well for me; the family spurred me on, another testament to how much this surprised them.

After the cinema we walked around the city, along the back streets, trading estates and the canal. We talked about everything and nothing. Eventually I asked THAT question “Do you have a boy friend?” (It could have been, “You’re not doing this with your boy friend?” I can’t remember.)

She said no and I was in with a shot. Since no one could go to bowling that day the two of us just went. We had great fun. She seemed very surprised that I was very strict on escorting her back to her flat but it turned out to be nothing as when she got back she had nothing to do and thus walked with me to the train station where I went home.

I honestly don't remember where I got it.

A short while later she invited me around to watch some movies afterwards, not thinking right I brought a sleeping bag as she said I could stay the night. I wasn’t getting the hints here. While we watched Pans Labyrinth we sat in bed together side by side, we held hands I didn’t understand what this meant and I was obviously flustered. We went to the carnival together later that night, it was supposed to be a group thing but fate said no and it was just us.  We went on a few rides but quickly left as neither of us enjoyed the larger rides and here I will be brutal honest. I almost fainted after a certain ride. It was a while after I had some problems. 8 months before hand I had a little incident in Scotland where I ended up collapsing at a restaurant and only 4 months before this I had collapsed at a train station.  After that one ride which went upside down my weak constitution failed me and I almost fainted again. I played it off as just a little problem and though a bit dizzy we went back to her place.  Some how it felt a little pity like but we eventually kissing happened but not for long. I almost fainted again (Still dizzy from the ride) and I spent a good 20 minutes by a toilet making sure I wasn’t going to be sick. Yeah I know what you’re thinking. Not the best first kiss but hell its more interested than a perfect one.

If there was another "Panel" I'd make me laugh I'm sure. Source : Pixiv

We started going out the next day after I asked the question, “So does this make us boy friend and girl friend?” Oh how wonderfully naïve and innocent I am.

So we were going out, I was as happy as can be. I was in full gentlemen mode, polite as polite can be, generous and full of surprises. At one point during our university holidays I rang her mother and made sure she stayed in so that I could come down to her city Portsmouth (A good distance from Worcester) which was a 4 hours away by car. I showed up at her door at 10am with flowers, chocolates, krispy kreme doughnuts for her family and a smile.

It cost me a fair amount but at the time it was worth it. No matter what we were doing I had to surprise her with something even if it was an impulse buy, like a Haiku book in a bookstore to bit of clothing she couldn’t afford at that moment (A £30 pound sun parasol). Despite my gift showering I refused to let her get me anything I was too stubborn to be given anything. I got on with her parents very well, too well in fact.

Really it does

Makes me smile

I would offer to help clean her parent’s house when I was over and I would talk history with her dad even when she told him not to. On the other side of things she only met my parents once and during that she went very quiet rather than her extrovert self she turned quite the opposite of me around her parent, introvert to extrovert.

If I had to mark a point to where things went downhill. It was when I met her friends from her home for the first time. We had arranged to meet in the capital (London) then go to the Opera. We waited in a coffee shop in the station we were to meet at and then it all came tumbling down. Her friends showed up, first the snappy short girl hand in hand with the second one a tall roundish self proclaimed anarchist.

The problem I had was that they were both drunk to the “need help walking” degree. They were celebrating finishing their A levels which I had done two years ago at age 17 them being 19-20. In each hand they had homemade gooseberry wine. They had done their A levels late for some stick it to the man reason. Now until the opera in 5 hours started I had to escort two drunkards around a busy capital city making sure they didn’t wander in front of a bus.

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.jpg

Oh man dat an arse to remember! Source: Danbooru

Thanks to their intoxication I learnt the sort of people they were. They were art house. These people were the kind of people that would not shop at big brand supermarkets because they were apparently “evil” (I take human geography as part of my degree I know why they are called evil even when they aren’t), they loved modern art and world cinema, they couldn’t enjoy anything main stream because it was, how you say, popular or being made by “the man” When we ate at an oriental cafe while they had ordered their own special natural fruit smoothies I found nothing to my taste and ordered a coke. They look they gave me when I said cola was that as if I had said I had recently murdered a small child than drank his blood.

They gave me a look of disgust and contempt. Already I was shunned by them for drinking a drink, I should have asked for tap water but then again I would be doing something that wasn’t me.

There I was sitting in a cafe being told off by drunken art house hippies for drinking a coke. My possible day of love and joy was destroyed beyond all repair. What sort of first impression were they trying to make? One of free spirit? After the Opera I had to deal with their now soberish questioning. Basically it was a quiz to see how cultured I was, I managed to blag my way through it satisfying their curiosity.

:)

🙂

On the train back to her home I was put not to questioning but to arguments, they were people that found the thrill in debating, I was not this sort of person. I dodged question on mass, I found it annoying that I had to support everything I did or liked with a debate it couldn’t be just because I simply enjoyed it. I was thankful to sleep that night but there were problems. My girl friend was an insomniac, she didn’t sleep.

When she did it was for a few hours at most, she would try to keep me awake as long as possible and wake me up early by climbing into bed with me (we slept on two single beds because there wasn’t a double bed) and messing with my chest. Now this is a fault for me, I hate sharing a bed, I can’t seem to be comfortable with another person sleeping in the same bed as me. Odd yeah and I’ll have to get over it eventually but hey ho’

Waking up to someone tuning a radio on my chest isn’t a nice thing for me, it irritated me but I kept it to myself which in hindsight is a mistake.

The trip to oxford made things worse despite how well it went to her. During our trip to oxford we went to all the places she wanted to go to, weird art house shops, trendy independent cafes, modern art museums and galleries. I had to pick a place for us to eat at one point, I chose a Pizza Express (I guess you could call it a decent pizza place as it wasn’t fast food), she said yes to it happily, this was a lie, right after we left from the meal she told me “I don’t like Pizza” Out off all the other places we could have eaten at she doesn’t say about the one she didn’t want to go to. We only did one thing I wanted to do, we went to Oxford gardens and sat at special bench which was in one of my favourite books, the Northern Lights, I took a photo of her on that bench and now I wish I had one of just the bench.

I'm not saying where as I don't think he goes there anymore.

It was after our little oxford and London trip that I hit the wall of questions about everything. Perhaps it was her friends that finally made me realise that I wasn’t enjoying the relationship. I found myself questioning everything that we had done; she wasn’t the same as when I first met her.

She was not this cute, smiling, anime watching girl from my university she was a sarcastic, pretentious art house hipster who looked down on people with a snide look of disgust if they enjoyed anything she didn’t like. I was led on with a fake smile and then led myself on in ignorance and foolishness. They say you’ll like people when you get to know them but this is an obvious difference to that.

Bit by bit I put it all together, the trips, the talks, everything. I had realised I was actually disliked this person this women that I once had my heart set out for. If anything she had become this person as soon as she left university grounds as if only the academic surroundings stopped her from being her true self. It was a week after her birthday when I said I wanted to split up. I’m not proud of that.

For her birthday I said I would write her a romance novel, I had said this before I had these doubts so she knew for a month that I was writing this. To be more exact the day I split up from her was the day after father’s day, we had gone on a trip to the zoo with her dad on that day and all was fine in her eyes. No one expected me to break up with her.

Made by me and just look at the picture to get source.

In the eyes of the world we were the most stable happy couple ever. It was heart wrenching for us both, for her she was losing a lover and for me it was guilt, the guilt of doing this to a person was almost unbearable. We both cried, she wanted to make it work but alas I wouldn’t have it. To make it easier on her I did not say that it was because “I never truly loved you” but instead that it was me,

I become a villain and I did the worst thing and said the “It’s not you it’s me” this was a lie, of course it was her in my eyes she was something I hated but being the nice guy I had to make myself the villain by some weird compulsion. I do believe this was the best option but in hindsight there is always a better way. I left her with fake closure and I guess she’ll never realise that I never truly liked her for who she was.

At the time of our split I was half way through staying with her during the summer holidays, lucky for me that I had an aunt and uncle living in the same city. I stayed with them for a few days before heading home. I was a broken man racked with guilt of causing so much pain so unexpectedly. No one saw this coming aside me and no one knows the truth aside me but hey now its out.

Too lazy to do this properly

Oddly enough I kept on doing the novel as if driven by some feeling that it would redeem me. As we saw each other in society back at university I would give her small updates on how I was doing when I could be brave enough to approach her. I even got as far as having someone look at it for publishing when I was half done but when I told her this she just said “I don’t care what you are doing”

I just stopped, I have a half written steam punk romance novel on my computer worthy of a publisher’s attention but it will never see the light of day again. It’s just a memory of raw emotion that I had way back in times that feel like eons ago. I have since deleted it. It was too painful to look at.

She stopped going to society when I took the position of chairman, there was no reason for her not to come and in a bit of two facedness she said to me when we split up “You better keep coming to society or else” which I did, and she does not?

...

So I see her no more, the only things I hear of her are from the art based students in society who tell me she is now going out with someone just as pretentious as her, a roundish Scottish man 5 years her senior who himself loves art house. A perfect match maybe?

As for me well I still keep the truth to myself, people praise me for ending it on the basis that I did it because well I wasn’t ready for it.

Whatever relationship I have next I do hope that I am not a fool again.

I am well aware that what I say is and will always be bias. No matter what I say it’ll be bias so you can feel better knowing that I am well aware that she can tell a different story. Whatever goes.

(EDIT: WHILE I WAS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP I WAS A FOOL AGAIN)

Well done on getting to the end. As always here is your sexy reward for reading so much (Or skipping so  much)

DON'T KNOW DON'T CARE

Losing a friend


Welp it was a very busy week so I’m back now and hopefully for good. Today I’m talking about the losing something close to you and

Card games

No theme behind pictures here, just breaking up the text. Source : Pixiv

Well I guess I’ll explain why I’m very very hostile to the concept of any illegal substance. Now before I go right into this, when I say “lost a friend” I do not mean he is dead (He may well be for all I know considering the route he took), I just mean that I have broken off communications, never spoke to him nor seen him again and any mention of him is usually about what happened to him. So to state what you can already guess, I lost a friend to drugs and the wrong crowd.

When I was in middle school I had a friend who I’ll refer to as John. John was one of my best friends since the start of middle school. When I went from Primary School to middle school I lost about 95% of my friends due to different catchment areas for schools. I went to one school while everyone else went to another. I became quick friends with John and we use to play for ages as school kids on our playground. The 4 years of middle school were very happy for me. beautiful ignorant bliss (hey we were just kids then). It wasn’t till a year into high school things went bad. A new kid came into our school and I’ll call him Kieren for now. Kieren was a spoilt kid and in general a bad person and some how he got to John they would be together most of the time and I was spending less and less time with John. Johns grades dropped and he generally got more and more irritable and hostile towards people, I was still his friend so I kept by him but it didn’t last. He started smoking and eventually he started to bully me and others using the its all in good fun excuse if I got upset.

It works

Source : 4ch

Another year into high school and both Kieren and John went into the same private school and that is when I lost him. We talked a little but eventually it just stopped. I soon found out he had started taking drug and other illegal substances. Eventually I cut him out of my life. A former best friend now gone completely, he was now a drug doing Chav a thing I despise.  The story may be short but he was a best friend to me, someone who back then I’d confide in but now he is nothing but a husk. The weird thing was that his parents were foster carers who took in children who were taken from family’s with drug problems or abuse and he would always say how his parents were doing a good thing looking after these children. He turn into the very thing he hated and that is the saddest thing. That is why I’m hostile to drugs and stuff.

Anyway… Enough sad stuff.

So right now I think I’ll drop some fiction but that will be in the next post as I want to separate this sad thing from the fiction. Till then. Tah tah’

The Glamerous

Shirley~

Social life


Haha, each week is a contest to find something risqué for the sexy part of the blog without making some people on Facebook freak out about the content. Ah well!

The week was good and the weekend is looking better than ever. Despite some work a long the way I’ve enjoyed myself a lot more this week than I have for the past couple weeks, and naturally I’ll share it in good time but for now I’m soaking it in and enjoying it. The myself and media is all mixed into one this time.

I’m going to use this post to break away from the style of post I’ve set, by that I mean structure not how it reads. I’m doing away with the,

Shortened posts like this which often force pictures placed within them to become distorted and odd looking.

So now I’ll make a title and just go with it.

Artist: Astrick Storage

Social Experience online.

I think because I’m not face to face with someone when socialising online it becomes easier for me to be who I really am. When face to face with someone at university, if I’m not that comfortable I will tend to say very little being not only shy but very careful about the words I use. That said, I tried to be a little more peppy when I moved into university accommodation and I’m guess its worked but while I am happy with my flat mates they aren’t the people I’m going to open completely up to but I’m still happy for them to learn about me in other ways such as this blog. Back to the title I have a lot of good freinds online and because we are all so disconnected physically it means we are all much more open with each other than we are perhaps with our friends living with us in our local area.

For the moments that are awesome!

Truly I am often incredibly happy after a gaming session with friends online. Unlike the horror of flat mate split screening gaming (Which I am banned from for being a bit too good) after an online session I am usually always simling and in a good mood. Even if we lose our game the laughs we have more than made up for it. The chaos of three guys and/or girls frantically typing out messages of warnings and tactics during an RTS is a thing that fills me with satisfaction that I find hard to get with face to face social activities at pubs, games not etc. I have one of my best freinds living away at a different university and he said to me one night if I wanted to play Team Fortress with him and a friend, I accepted and impatiently waited till we started, we played for hours on end and at the end I actually found myself saying thank you to both him and his friend for inviting me, the lack of an enjoyable social experience at home made me enjoy the online social so much I half didn’t want it to end but it was getting way too late.

This isn't Cap-Tan but the other guy that I forgot... (fyi TF2 heavies)

This isn’t to say I never have good social experiences in my local area. I have just today come home from a Paper Homebrew RPG that I enjoyed to no end, the corniness of it all combined with the relaxed humorous setting means each week I’m going back and enjoying myself again. Props to my man Adam for organising it as its so much fun, man, I hope its just as good next week, if only to see what else can be broken or is broken. That shotgun weapon, wasn’t quite think there haha.

On the other side it is not to say I haven’t had a bad internet social experience. Again a IRC based RPG I played fell apart because perhaps we weren’t together in the same room, yes the same IRC channel but without a face to face aspect the rules and player relations  often were strained. I’ll give my criticism, the DM wasn’t there half the time and let some people get away with near murder and n RPG games that a game break especially when its a social heavy RPG. Problem players were not dealt with and the story collapsed at the end with help from all the players. Shortly afterwards another different RPG was made by the players who were still passionate about the game but sadly I joined for a session and never returned and I’m not going to talk about why I didn’t return today.

Beautiful no? I have this one on my phone for no good reason.

One last thing about online social experience and a bit of it I enjoy. I have a friend and she’ll know who she is as I get on with it. I have a friend that I guess I could say I gossip with. We talk to each other about the things going on in each others lives and often its the things that are troubling us, I’ve talked to her about my problems with people and she has done the same likewise. We seem to confide with each other and despite a vast distance between us we share a common academic like and a common media like (aka we both study the same thing and watch the same thing) She has helped me feel better about myself at times and for that I thank her, if you are reading this girl, thanks, it means alot to me.

 

Weirdly adorable right? Source: Danbooru

I guess I’m not making an overall point here but rather just saying where I have or haven’t enjoyed myself in both the world local to me (I refuse to call it IRL for whatever reason) and the world past my physical borders (aka internet) I guess I like isolationism from the physical world but I know that the comforts of the world local to me is something I know I must and can enjoy. Now that I see my word count hitting 1000 words NOW! That is silly timing but whatever haha. For getting once again to the end I will again reward you with sexy. I would just to test the waters ask you, what would you like to say about myself? Not too hard eh? Only one person has to ask and I’ll go ahead and type my best. Till the next time I type. Bye Bye.

 

Source : Danbooru/Pixiv

P.S  Do people enjoy these pictures?

Phone


Well I guess I can call for a celebration because today is my one week anniversary and while what I write about may not be as structured as I’d want I feel that the fact I have do a blog post for everyday (aside that one day when I did a post earlier making it two in a day) OH WELL ITS TOO LATE I FAILED AT THAT IT NOW COUNTS AS TOMORROWS POST I am being committed to it. Hurray. This must be what it’s like to get married. Hahaha. Now read and weep at my relationship with phones, what made me feel romantic today and last but  not least what I’d rather watch on TV (aka what would make me shell out for a TV license to watch TV live)

I honestly don’t use my phone much. Maybe I’m resistant to it or something but I honestly don’t use it to socially text. If there is a matter of business I will start a text conversation but socially, texting is something I’ll never start to enjoy. I think I may not like my phone as it forces  the obligation of texting back when someone texts me, forces me to be more “connected” with everyone than I’d want. Not every text is wanted even socially. there are at times I thought I’d rather not text that person but I’m going to have to now. This is also why I’m on pay as you go and not contract. I barely use my phone and I don’t want to use it any more than I have to. In short I don’t like the obligation of having a phone which is why I don’t upgrade, stay on pay as you go and use it mostly for an alarm. That said I’m hypocrite because I love using the web to communicate, maybe because I can then talk to ALL my friends rather than a few that have my mobile.

If you got this I'll give you credit.

Well now for me talking a little more about love. More so, what weird things spur me to romantic.

I was listening to a Vocaloid song today and generally I won’t look up the lyrics to Japanese or other foreign language songs as I’m just happy with listing to the beat not caring what the lyrics mean but this time I did have a look and really I shouldn’t have.

For whatever reason this PV, thankfully subbed, made me feel like being quite romantic but there was a few problems. One being that I had no one to be romantic to (maybe?) and the other was that the entire song was about a selfish girl and for whatever reason I just liked it despite no one liking a selfish girl, I guess the cuteness of Miku got to me?

Some say they love a girl who can kick thier ass. Source: Pixiv

I’m stuck for words not so I’m going to say a few simple points.

1. I’m not very good at taking a compliment

2. It takes three months for something bad to really affect me in a significant emotional way.

3. I do not like being touched

4. If I am letting you touch me it means I’m either letting you and that means we are close OR you’re intruding and I’m trying not to freak out by keeping still and calm.

I’m tired, night folks.

Raita again.

Dreaming


I’m going to be lazy and use the old stuff I published else where on the internet.

The person I’m describing is from an Anime but I’m not saying the name as I am not only test my descriptive skills but also because the way I dreamt her was quite different to her character in the show. Here I am the same age as her, a young 15 year old, quite a naive period for me. I haven’t a dream about myself at a young age in quite a while and even this one was as recent as the past year I think. Anyway.

 

It was to the best of my memory a normal sunny day. Myself and a girl called ***** were walking in a typical cliche rural English village. ***** was an odd girl and was about my age. Her hair was a silvery white colour coming just down past her ears in a bob. Her clothes consisted of a stark black & white mix that mixed well with her hair. A white shirt, black skirt, black tights, black tie and a small black corset worn over the shirt.

Yeah shes evil, Source : Pixiv

It seemed we were doing simple shopping for a picnic but for some reason this girl was odd, she was acting like some sort of newly wed clinging on to my arm like her life depended on it. Everything seemed normal and as we went to a pet shop to have a nosy around she seemed to take an interest in the exotic bugs section. They all looked like they came from a jungle and not  many looked friendly. She didn’t buy anything and after a while she was looking around the back section of the shop as I chatted with the shop owner.

During my conversation with the male shop keeper he turned away to sort some items on the shelf behind the counter. Whilst he his back was facing me I then felt a sharp jab in the back of my left leg and I fell to my knees instantly as the world around me started to fade into darkness . I awoke on a bus travelling down a country lane, ***** was sat next to me smiling and holding my arm. When enquiring to what happened in the pet shop she didn’t know what I was talking about and acted like it was a big joke being played on her.

I shrugged it off as tiredness and eventually we came to a Stately home deep in the country side. We purchased an entrance ticket each and walked around the detailed and well kept gardens & fountains, each of us looked at the sights and listened to the sounds of nature. The whole time she wouldn’t let go of my arm and for some odd reason I couldn’t push her away or disengage ours arms now woven together. I felt as if rejecting her or pushing her away would harm me. Giving my best fake smile we continued on around the gardens and eventually into the stately home itself.

Source: woodhillbandb.co.uk

All she could go on about was how nice it would be to live there together in luxury and bliss as we walked around the different rooms and corridors taking in more sights and smells. Eventually we came to the cafe on the bottom floor and she finally reluctantly let me go so that we could sit down. Sitting opposite me she eyed me, constantly & innocently smiling at me . I stood up to go to the WC and  to wash my face, I just had to get away from her but as I stood up I froze to the spot. I couldn’t move any of my limbs, only my eyes obeyed me. I looked down at her sitting in the chair across the table. She was smiling at the cup of tea in her hands while humming.

All I could hear before I fell to the floor and blacked out was her repeating the line, ” Slower the clock ticks as it gets old, you’ll be mine forever till your life folds.”

I woke up rigid in bed not being able to move for a good 5 or 10 minutes after this dream. It feels like a memory telling me that I didn’t trust females when I was young and anime was just putting in a place holder of a female.

Whatever next?

Reward Picture:

Just Arty this time, Source : Danbooru