Category Archives: Life Only

So I talked, sue me.


So I actually started to write this little entry a couple of days ago but I stopped and decided to rewrite it. Why? Well maybe I was being paranoid about revealing a little too much to the world because to be honest it is a little heavy on what makes me tick. To be straight, I went and saw a counsellor aka not a psychiatrist but someone to talk to about problems (usually anything). This one was a free one at my university hired for students and well I guess they are there for students nervous about exam and university life. I went on suggest of a friend who was seeing one and after some initial hesitation I went. Why did I go? Well to be blunt and short and I don’t like my father and with how things were at home with my mother I thought I should patch up my relationship with him so I could live with him and take some financial pressure off my mother (all previous attempts to patch things up went horribly wrong).

Source: Danbooru under the "Orginal" tag

That was the original intention but really we talked about him quite sparely and instead we talked about me and what my relationship was with the world. Again blunt as possible and not bush beating as the original post had been the first big thing we talked about was me and women. If anyone has read previous blog entries they will know how well I work with them and if you haven’t I’ll say this, me and women don’t mix. Now to put on detail since I was young I’ve been shy. Now this is heavy shyness as I was the type who hid behind mother and wouldn’t come out even to the prospect of delicious candy and sweeties. In first school I was labelled “bookworm” as all I ever did was read in the corner and not talk to anyone, adding to this was when I got athletes foot and I was given the simple label “Athletes foot boy” so not only did avoid them I was scorned by them for having to put a powder on my foot, kids really can be cruel. This shyness even extended to high school and beyond, in register periods and lunch time periods and would have my head in a gaming magazine and my ears plugged by a CD player listening to whatever I found (might have been a nirvana CD?).

Damnt hose bullets look dumb as hell. Source: Danbooru

My shyness hasn’t gone away today as even in the last year of University I never gave out suggestions or ideas in lecture and seminars and instead whispered them to a friend to shout out, worse case of that was afterwards they said “Sam said it” and my face would flush in embarrassment from the attention despite it being a positive attention. Anyway bad experiences with women and this general shyness led to DISREGARD women or at least any positive relationship with them being friend or otherwise. To put a groundwork down I don’t hate women, I can find them attractive but no, I will be less inclined to talk to you if I can help it, no I do not want a goodbye hug and good lord if you show some cleavage I’ll be embarrassed for the both of us. This all leads on to me being a “gentleman” as my mother, loving as she is, raised me to be a gentleman. I will open doors, say please and thank you, let them pass through a door first, be generally thoughtful etc. That’s as far as it goes, If I’m forced to hug it’s like a fake hug where I don’t embrace I sort of pat you on the back with the rest of me far away from the women. Despite this I often averted my eyes when talking and even the counsellor noticed this and told me much to my surprise. This try to be a gentleman thing really got silly at one point where it went as far as this “I was walking home after a lecture and was far behind an attractive girl from my lecture group who was walking back to her car. Being behind her and staring forward I looked at her arse. In those tight jeans I have to say I couldn’t help but ‘admire’ -dat ass-. After I realised I was admiring it I got all SHAME THE SINNER on myself and basically told myself off for admiring an arse. That is pretty fucking weird.

Source: Imgur

I feel like I’m missing some details out and I guess I’ll get to them when I remember them. Uh to bring it up to scratch with general shyness, gentleman tendencies, bad experiences with women and terrible school life has made me dislike women for the most part. It’s been a while since I remember watching a TV seeing attractive female celebrity X on TV and thinking like most men would “Yes I’d hit that”. No I just scoff and change the channel to Dave. I think I mentioned before in the blog but when I was dating I was in SUPER SELF CONSCIOUS mode and it when as far as walking ten minutes away from home before walking back to triple check I looked okay to be out in public. Odd yes but that’s how it was. That was just one thing; the other was an apparent lack of emotion and NO THAT DOES NOT MEAN EMO KIDDY. This means when she asked me how I felt about certain things I could never answer, when I did it wasn’t how I felt it how I thought. Thinking and feeling are two obviously different things but hell if I could tell you how I felt. Often she would ask how I felt and I’d have to be stopped because I was saying what I thought and not felt. It got so bad that she gave me a “Wheel of Emotion” which is like a wheel of colour but you had feeling and emotions in it rather than yellow or red. Even with that wheel at hand I couldn’t pick  a feeling out and I was just sat there staring at the wheel before being told we only had 5 minutes left. Awkward eh?

Source: danbooru/whtever that doujin game of castlevania/touhou was

When talking to her about emotions and love and hate for women we tried to find out what I looked for in women and it boiled down to this. It wasn’t how they looked or personality. It was if they had the same interests, the few people I’ve ever been attracted to have all had quite a similar taste whether that be in interests, hobbies or even what we studied. I got close due to interest and after that simply went with that certain flow just because it seemed the done thing. Pretty darn silly eh?

Now I’ve lost where I was going so I’ll stop for now I guess. This isn’t everything I wanted to talk about so when I get things together again I’ll go in more detail. Perhaps answer questions asked because hey if I’m this open on the web and not IRL then I’ll pretty much answer anything. Heck lets talk a little more.

I think it’s good to read back on the stories I’ve done and the fact I didn’t cringe myself to death means they aren’t half bad. Self reflective yeah but it’s hard to create an Everyman when all you know is yourself and what you want yourself to be. Maybe I’ll do another story be it a extension of something already posted or something new entirely. OH WELL. Time to close up, have a sexy reward for getting to the end again. Later.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Source: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Strike Witches 1946 Edtion

Source Danbooru

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A comment reminded me I had something to speak up about.


Since it was meant for venting and just getting out a life story or a silly dream this blog isn’t always going to be active. Between writing my 12,000 dissertation, finishing Uni and now looking for employment I’ve had a lot on my plate but none of it worth writing about so let us consider this a bits an bobs post where I’ll just put out whatever.

Issac

So yeah I'm replying Dead Space 2 right now.

Little hidden thing about me is I don’t really enjoy women.  I don’t hate them but boy do guys make me feel the fuck uncomfortable and confused. I’m no Alpha male but I’ve got enough self respect to not be called a beta nerd. Any way cut to the chase. There near the end of university I was at an event and at this event well a “women” threw me a curve ball.  It’s that sort of curve ball when sure you could hit it but if you do you’re left afterwards going “Wait what?” and realising you don’t understand what’s going on. By this point women were just people not anything for my attentions and this person knew that, they knew it well we had talked about love, life and all sorts’ just moments before the ball came. She should have known I wasn’t going to be interested but heck it didn’t stop her. The ball came and I don’t know if I hit it or not, now despite what I’ve said no one said anything about love, all it was, was a crush but heck no one has ever said that to me before. This person was a friend of a friend, when I told said friend she too was confused as hell by it as well. MORE AWKWARD was at this event her ex fiancé was there who I didn’t know was that till after the event and I was getting on with him as well that must have been awkward for him considering she was talking to me a lot during said event.

Unlike most people who put pictures of guns in blogs, I've actually shoot guns for a hobby.

Afterwards we spoke on the whole Facebook thing talking about when we should meet up. We met up once but before that let me talk about what she discussed with me. Long story short it was a story about spirituality and lost family members and how a church told her she was special. It did feel very cult like and dodgy/sketchy as fuck. I’m open minded but something sound too good to be true but while I tried to perhaps steer her away from it I don’t think I told her specifically to not do things like that ever because religion iz bad or cap like that but I discussed what I thought and felt but afterwards it was exactly a comfortable conversation for me, thank god it was text only (mostly) so it didn’t show. Anyway, I went to her city spending what little money I had to get bus, trains and food during the day. I met her… and then two more. It was two of my friends also friends her of her. One female kooky friend and one more serious male friend and I’ll admit them being there wasn’t what I was expecting, I was expecting just the two of us seeing if we were going to actually like each other. The male friend presence was confusing as certainly it wasn’t my two friends going to get anything near a relationship so why was he here, I knew he was local but after some discussing when the women folk were gone we decided we might both be there for protection of the ladies from the creepy men folk. Not that we did, there was one guy hitting on the kooky one making her uncomfortable but did we do anything? Fuck no we were bored sat at a pub bench since we both teetotal. We went and saw the “crush persons” friends band for a bit and they weren’t bad but I was bored, male friend was bored, women entertained by flashing lights etc. I swear it was all a test, test to see how complacent I was going to be pub, sitting with the crush person and kooky on the bus while they drank beer, seeing if me and male friend were going to protect them from the creeps and finally test to see if I’d show up and go along with them.

Magical girls are a hell of a lot simpler.

These tests I’m glad I failed as afterwards she talked to me again on facebook saying we should meet up and she would say when we could when she got her work rota. 2 weeks passed, same story again rota etc, another 2 weeks and the same again, I’m waiting for the next time the chat window pops up to ask me again. Worse again is during these week periods she would say how she may fancy someone else or talk about how abusive a former boyfriend was. Women man, fucking women I do not get you. I don’t have one of those 2D waifu’s but FUCK IS IT GETTING TEMPTING TO GO WITH THE 2D FLOW. Anyway if she comes and asks again then I’ll just have to say that what you said the last three times, you won’t tell me when you are free will you? And I guess with that I’ll doubt I’ll talk to her again. Further and further is the idea that I don’t like women solidified.  Oh surprise this is actually a lot I’ve written, I’ve got my writing flow back and that’s good I guess because short while after I did the last blog post I got terribly demotivated about my story, I got some critique and people said it was good but one person said it was fine but I should stop writing the way I was and go to traditional third person and this got to me. I tried to keep writing the way I had always done but it didn’t come together. I have dozens of scraps and shorts that could of been great but I never felt the spark of what made them good as they were.  It is silly how one comment took me down to the ground but something must of gotten to me.  Anyway, thanks for getting to the end and suddenly I’m aware I didn’t post picture sources, my bad I’ll do better next time. As per usual here is the sexy anime pic award for getting to the end.

Work up a sweat and feel good about yourself.

 

 

Loved but not in Love


Well I’ll just spill the beans here, give the fullest, as far as I can tell, closure about my first relationship. It is not a pretty story but its a lesson I’ve learnt and honestly I think I’m more distrustful of women because of it. Alight of recent events, its now, right now, the hardest time to open up to people. If I’ve opened up to you personally one on one. It means I’m trusting you alot.

No theme on the pictures today, just what I like.

OH  MAN TOUHOU! I LOVE TOUHOU

OH MAN TOUHOU! I LOVE TOUHOU Source: Pixiv

With out further ado.

Ever had a relationship when you loved someone but you weren’t in love with them? My first one was like that. I fell for a girl in the art department of my university. She was the head of the anime society and despised Naruto, which was what first clicked my interest. (I’m well aware how bad that makes me sound to some of my friends who like Naruto in the Anime society but sorry guys it’s the truth.)  She was a kinda petit (short) girl, kinda chubby, well not slim but not fat, regardless at the time, sexy. She had a nice smile that I remember but I soon learnt better.  Each day during the first year of anime society after getting picked up for home I would ask my sister “How do you know when a girl likes you?” While that may seem a 12 year old question to ask but before this I had taken no interest in relationships, quite frankly my sister was shocked when I first asked her. Eventually it was elections for position on the society executive board. At a last minute gut decision I opted in for vice chair, I won it in a Rock paper scissors comp between me and the other candidate since votes were tied. The first stage was done, I had excuses to get close to her, by being nice and lending her movies we talked more and more face to face and on skype.

Sexy Revolver

Sexy Revolver : Source is the internet

We arranged for the society to go on a trip to bowling and luck would have it no one could make it so we had a day to hang around

She said she was going to the cinema on her own early in the morning, I offered to go with her and she accepted. Meeting her 9am outside the cinema (again after another lift from my mother and step dad, the fact I was taking an interest with a women must of spurred them to go out of their way) we saw Watchmen together. This was going so well for me; the family spurred me on, another testament to how much this surprised them.

After the cinema we walked around the city, along the back streets, trading estates and the canal. We talked about everything and nothing. Eventually I asked THAT question “Do you have a boy friend?” (It could have been, “You’re not doing this with your boy friend?” I can’t remember.)

She said no and I was in with a shot. Since no one could go to bowling that day the two of us just went. We had great fun. She seemed very surprised that I was very strict on escorting her back to her flat but it turned out to be nothing as when she got back she had nothing to do and thus walked with me to the train station where I went home.

I honestly don't remember where I got it.

A short while later she invited me around to watch some movies afterwards, not thinking right I brought a sleeping bag as she said I could stay the night. I wasn’t getting the hints here. While we watched Pans Labyrinth we sat in bed together side by side, we held hands I didn’t understand what this meant and I was obviously flustered. We went to the carnival together later that night, it was supposed to be a group thing but fate said no and it was just us.  We went on a few rides but quickly left as neither of us enjoyed the larger rides and here I will be brutal honest. I almost fainted after a certain ride. It was a while after I had some problems. 8 months before hand I had a little incident in Scotland where I ended up collapsing at a restaurant and only 4 months before this I had collapsed at a train station.  After that one ride which went upside down my weak constitution failed me and I almost fainted again. I played it off as just a little problem and though a bit dizzy we went back to her place.  Some how it felt a little pity like but we eventually kissing happened but not for long. I almost fainted again (Still dizzy from the ride) and I spent a good 20 minutes by a toilet making sure I wasn’t going to be sick. Yeah I know what you’re thinking. Not the best first kiss but hell its more interested than a perfect one.

If there was another "Panel" I'd make me laugh I'm sure. Source : Pixiv

We started going out the next day after I asked the question, “So does this make us boy friend and girl friend?” Oh how wonderfully naïve and innocent I am.

So we were going out, I was as happy as can be. I was in full gentlemen mode, polite as polite can be, generous and full of surprises. At one point during our university holidays I rang her mother and made sure she stayed in so that I could come down to her city Portsmouth (A good distance from Worcester) which was a 4 hours away by car. I showed up at her door at 10am with flowers, chocolates, krispy kreme doughnuts for her family and a smile.

It cost me a fair amount but at the time it was worth it. No matter what we were doing I had to surprise her with something even if it was an impulse buy, like a Haiku book in a bookstore to bit of clothing she couldn’t afford at that moment (A £30 pound sun parasol). Despite my gift showering I refused to let her get me anything I was too stubborn to be given anything. I got on with her parents very well, too well in fact.

Really it does

Makes me smile

I would offer to help clean her parent’s house when I was over and I would talk history with her dad even when she told him not to. On the other side of things she only met my parents once and during that she went very quiet rather than her extrovert self she turned quite the opposite of me around her parent, introvert to extrovert.

If I had to mark a point to where things went downhill. It was when I met her friends from her home for the first time. We had arranged to meet in the capital (London) then go to the Opera. We waited in a coffee shop in the station we were to meet at and then it all came tumbling down. Her friends showed up, first the snappy short girl hand in hand with the second one a tall roundish self proclaimed anarchist.

The problem I had was that they were both drunk to the “need help walking” degree. They were celebrating finishing their A levels which I had done two years ago at age 17 them being 19-20. In each hand they had homemade gooseberry wine. They had done their A levels late for some stick it to the man reason. Now until the opera in 5 hours started I had to escort two drunkards around a busy capital city making sure they didn’t wander in front of a bus.

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.jpg

Oh man dat an arse to remember! Source: Danbooru

Thanks to their intoxication I learnt the sort of people they were. They were art house. These people were the kind of people that would not shop at big brand supermarkets because they were apparently “evil” (I take human geography as part of my degree I know why they are called evil even when they aren’t), they loved modern art and world cinema, they couldn’t enjoy anything main stream because it was, how you say, popular or being made by “the man” When we ate at an oriental cafe while they had ordered their own special natural fruit smoothies I found nothing to my taste and ordered a coke. They look they gave me when I said cola was that as if I had said I had recently murdered a small child than drank his blood.

They gave me a look of disgust and contempt. Already I was shunned by them for drinking a drink, I should have asked for tap water but then again I would be doing something that wasn’t me.

There I was sitting in a cafe being told off by drunken art house hippies for drinking a coke. My possible day of love and joy was destroyed beyond all repair. What sort of first impression were they trying to make? One of free spirit? After the Opera I had to deal with their now soberish questioning. Basically it was a quiz to see how cultured I was, I managed to blag my way through it satisfying their curiosity.

:)

🙂

On the train back to her home I was put not to questioning but to arguments, they were people that found the thrill in debating, I was not this sort of person. I dodged question on mass, I found it annoying that I had to support everything I did or liked with a debate it couldn’t be just because I simply enjoyed it. I was thankful to sleep that night but there were problems. My girl friend was an insomniac, she didn’t sleep.

When she did it was for a few hours at most, she would try to keep me awake as long as possible and wake me up early by climbing into bed with me (we slept on two single beds because there wasn’t a double bed) and messing with my chest. Now this is a fault for me, I hate sharing a bed, I can’t seem to be comfortable with another person sleeping in the same bed as me. Odd yeah and I’ll have to get over it eventually but hey ho’

Waking up to someone tuning a radio on my chest isn’t a nice thing for me, it irritated me but I kept it to myself which in hindsight is a mistake.

The trip to oxford made things worse despite how well it went to her. During our trip to oxford we went to all the places she wanted to go to, weird art house shops, trendy independent cafes, modern art museums and galleries. I had to pick a place for us to eat at one point, I chose a Pizza Express (I guess you could call it a decent pizza place as it wasn’t fast food), she said yes to it happily, this was a lie, right after we left from the meal she told me “I don’t like Pizza” Out off all the other places we could have eaten at she doesn’t say about the one she didn’t want to go to. We only did one thing I wanted to do, we went to Oxford gardens and sat at special bench which was in one of my favourite books, the Northern Lights, I took a photo of her on that bench and now I wish I had one of just the bench.

I'm not saying where as I don't think he goes there anymore.

It was after our little oxford and London trip that I hit the wall of questions about everything. Perhaps it was her friends that finally made me realise that I wasn’t enjoying the relationship. I found myself questioning everything that we had done; she wasn’t the same as when I first met her.

She was not this cute, smiling, anime watching girl from my university she was a sarcastic, pretentious art house hipster who looked down on people with a snide look of disgust if they enjoyed anything she didn’t like. I was led on with a fake smile and then led myself on in ignorance and foolishness. They say you’ll like people when you get to know them but this is an obvious difference to that.

Bit by bit I put it all together, the trips, the talks, everything. I had realised I was actually disliked this person this women that I once had my heart set out for. If anything she had become this person as soon as she left university grounds as if only the academic surroundings stopped her from being her true self. It was a week after her birthday when I said I wanted to split up. I’m not proud of that.

For her birthday I said I would write her a romance novel, I had said this before I had these doubts so she knew for a month that I was writing this. To be more exact the day I split up from her was the day after father’s day, we had gone on a trip to the zoo with her dad on that day and all was fine in her eyes. No one expected me to break up with her.

Made by me and just look at the picture to get source.

In the eyes of the world we were the most stable happy couple ever. It was heart wrenching for us both, for her she was losing a lover and for me it was guilt, the guilt of doing this to a person was almost unbearable. We both cried, she wanted to make it work but alas I wouldn’t have it. To make it easier on her I did not say that it was because “I never truly loved you” but instead that it was me,

I become a villain and I did the worst thing and said the “It’s not you it’s me” this was a lie, of course it was her in my eyes she was something I hated but being the nice guy I had to make myself the villain by some weird compulsion. I do believe this was the best option but in hindsight there is always a better way. I left her with fake closure and I guess she’ll never realise that I never truly liked her for who she was.

At the time of our split I was half way through staying with her during the summer holidays, lucky for me that I had an aunt and uncle living in the same city. I stayed with them for a few days before heading home. I was a broken man racked with guilt of causing so much pain so unexpectedly. No one saw this coming aside me and no one knows the truth aside me but hey now its out.

Too lazy to do this properly

Oddly enough I kept on doing the novel as if driven by some feeling that it would redeem me. As we saw each other in society back at university I would give her small updates on how I was doing when I could be brave enough to approach her. I even got as far as having someone look at it for publishing when I was half done but when I told her this she just said “I don’t care what you are doing”

I just stopped, I have a half written steam punk romance novel on my computer worthy of a publisher’s attention but it will never see the light of day again. It’s just a memory of raw emotion that I had way back in times that feel like eons ago. I have since deleted it. It was too painful to look at.

She stopped going to society when I took the position of chairman, there was no reason for her not to come and in a bit of two facedness she said to me when we split up “You better keep coming to society or else” which I did, and she does not?

...

So I see her no more, the only things I hear of her are from the art based students in society who tell me she is now going out with someone just as pretentious as her, a roundish Scottish man 5 years her senior who himself loves art house. A perfect match maybe?

As for me well I still keep the truth to myself, people praise me for ending it on the basis that I did it because well I wasn’t ready for it.

Whatever relationship I have next I do hope that I am not a fool again.

I am well aware that what I say is and will always be bias. No matter what I say it’ll be bias so you can feel better knowing that I am well aware that she can tell a different story. Whatever goes.

(EDIT: WHILE I WAS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP I WAS A FOOL AGAIN)

Well done on getting to the end. As always here is your sexy reward for reading so much (Or skipping so  much)

DON'T KNOW DON'T CARE

Feels Meh man


I’m not even going to give the time of day to the reason why I haven’t updated in a while. Simple, life overrides blog. Anyway today I’m goign over how I get mad sad or whatever.

The thing, the annoying little petit part of me, the child in me always does this when I get mad. When I get mad at someone I ignore them. TO THE MAX.

When I get annoyed I won’t block a person, for some reason I won’t do that but heck no matter how many messages get sent my way by any form be it IRC, Steam, Skype or MSN. I get the feeling that it really irks some people is because they never know why I started ignoring them. For reasons unknown to them I’ll be ignoring them

Well I can’t seem to be happy with what I’ve wrote so maybe I’ll use an example. 3 months after a little situation that upset occurred I did something childish and started to ignore someone. Now with it being 3 months after said event the person I was ignoring become confused greatly and started to ask me why I was doing this but I just flat out ignored them, I never blocked them just ignored them. So after the next so many weeks whenever I logged in to a instant messenger service I got a one sided conversation to read and it lasted so long that another freind got involved asking me why and I ignored them  as well.

Eventually I did just come up and apologise but they didn’t talk to me afterwards. What goes around comes I round I guess. OF course now I’m reluctant to say sorry at all  just in case that the same getting ignored back situation arises.

I can’t seem to get my words out here so I’ll end it now. Later.

I don't care?

Losing a friend


Welp it was a very busy week so I’m back now and hopefully for good. Today I’m talking about the losing something close to you and

Card games

No theme behind pictures here, just breaking up the text. Source : Pixiv

Well I guess I’ll explain why I’m very very hostile to the concept of any illegal substance. Now before I go right into this, when I say “lost a friend” I do not mean he is dead (He may well be for all I know considering the route he took), I just mean that I have broken off communications, never spoke to him nor seen him again and any mention of him is usually about what happened to him. So to state what you can already guess, I lost a friend to drugs and the wrong crowd.

When I was in middle school I had a friend who I’ll refer to as John. John was one of my best friends since the start of middle school. When I went from Primary School to middle school I lost about 95% of my friends due to different catchment areas for schools. I went to one school while everyone else went to another. I became quick friends with John and we use to play for ages as school kids on our playground. The 4 years of middle school were very happy for me. beautiful ignorant bliss (hey we were just kids then). It wasn’t till a year into high school things went bad. A new kid came into our school and I’ll call him Kieren for now. Kieren was a spoilt kid and in general a bad person and some how he got to John they would be together most of the time and I was spending less and less time with John. Johns grades dropped and he generally got more and more irritable and hostile towards people, I was still his friend so I kept by him but it didn’t last. He started smoking and eventually he started to bully me and others using the its all in good fun excuse if I got upset.

It works

Source : 4ch

Another year into high school and both Kieren and John went into the same private school and that is when I lost him. We talked a little but eventually it just stopped. I soon found out he had started taking drug and other illegal substances. Eventually I cut him out of my life. A former best friend now gone completely, he was now a drug doing Chav a thing I despise.  The story may be short but he was a best friend to me, someone who back then I’d confide in but now he is nothing but a husk. The weird thing was that his parents were foster carers who took in children who were taken from family’s with drug problems or abuse and he would always say how his parents were doing a good thing looking after these children. He turn into the very thing he hated and that is the saddest thing. That is why I’m hostile to drugs and stuff.

Anyway… Enough sad stuff.

So right now I think I’ll drop some fiction but that will be in the next post as I want to separate this sad thing from the fiction. Till then. Tah tah’

The Glamerous

Shirley~