Loved but not in Love

Well I’ll just spill the beans here, give the fullest, as far as I can tell, closure about my first relationship. It is not a pretty story but its a lesson I’ve learnt and honestly I think I’m more distrustful of women because of it. Alight of recent events, its now, right now, the hardest time to open up to people. If I’ve opened up to you personally one on one. It means I’m trusting you alot.

No theme on the pictures today, just what I like.



With out further ado.

Ever had a relationship when you loved someone but you weren’t in love with them? My first one was like that. I fell for a girl in the art department of my university. She was the head of the anime society and despised Naruto, which was what first clicked my interest. (I’m well aware how bad that makes me sound to some of my friends who like Naruto in the Anime society but sorry guys it’s the truth.)  She was a kinda petit (short) girl, kinda chubby, well not slim but not fat, regardless at the time, sexy. She had a nice smile that I remember but I soon learnt better.  Each day during the first year of anime society after getting picked up for home I would ask my sister “How do you know when a girl likes you?” While that may seem a 12 year old question to ask but before this I had taken no interest in relationships, quite frankly my sister was shocked when I first asked her. Eventually it was elections for position on the society executive board. At a last minute gut decision I opted in for vice chair, I won it in a Rock paper scissors comp between me and the other candidate since votes were tied. The first stage was done, I had excuses to get close to her, by being nice and lending her movies we talked more and more face to face and on skype.

Sexy Revolver

Sexy Revolver : Source is the internet

We arranged for the society to go on a trip to bowling and luck would have it no one could make it so we had a day to hang around

She said she was going to the cinema on her own early in the morning, I offered to go with her and she accepted. Meeting her 9am outside the cinema (again after another lift from my mother and step dad, the fact I was taking an interest with a women must of spurred them to go out of their way) we saw Watchmen together. This was going so well for me; the family spurred me on, another testament to how much this surprised them.

After the cinema we walked around the city, along the back streets, trading estates and the canal. We talked about everything and nothing. Eventually I asked THAT question “Do you have a boy friend?” (It could have been, “You’re not doing this with your boy friend?” I can’t remember.)

She said no and I was in with a shot. Since no one could go to bowling that day the two of us just went. We had great fun. She seemed very surprised that I was very strict on escorting her back to her flat but it turned out to be nothing as when she got back she had nothing to do and thus walked with me to the train station where I went home.

I honestly don't remember where I got it.

A short while later she invited me around to watch some movies afterwards, not thinking right I brought a sleeping bag as she said I could stay the night. I wasn’t getting the hints here. While we watched Pans Labyrinth we sat in bed together side by side, we held hands I didn’t understand what this meant and I was obviously flustered. We went to the carnival together later that night, it was supposed to be a group thing but fate said no and it was just us.  We went on a few rides but quickly left as neither of us enjoyed the larger rides and here I will be brutal honest. I almost fainted after a certain ride. It was a while after I had some problems. 8 months before hand I had a little incident in Scotland where I ended up collapsing at a restaurant and only 4 months before this I had collapsed at a train station.  After that one ride which went upside down my weak constitution failed me and I almost fainted again. I played it off as just a little problem and though a bit dizzy we went back to her place.  Some how it felt a little pity like but we eventually kissing happened but not for long. I almost fainted again (Still dizzy from the ride) and I spent a good 20 minutes by a toilet making sure I wasn’t going to be sick. Yeah I know what you’re thinking. Not the best first kiss but hell its more interested than a perfect one.

If there was another "Panel" I'd make me laugh I'm sure. Source : Pixiv

We started going out the next day after I asked the question, “So does this make us boy friend and girl friend?” Oh how wonderfully naïve and innocent I am.

So we were going out, I was as happy as can be. I was in full gentlemen mode, polite as polite can be, generous and full of surprises. At one point during our university holidays I rang her mother and made sure she stayed in so that I could come down to her city Portsmouth (A good distance from Worcester) which was a 4 hours away by car. I showed up at her door at 10am with flowers, chocolates, krispy kreme doughnuts for her family and a smile.

It cost me a fair amount but at the time it was worth it. No matter what we were doing I had to surprise her with something even if it was an impulse buy, like a Haiku book in a bookstore to bit of clothing she couldn’t afford at that moment (A £30 pound sun parasol). Despite my gift showering I refused to let her get me anything I was too stubborn to be given anything. I got on with her parents very well, too well in fact.

Really it does

Makes me smile

I would offer to help clean her parent’s house when I was over and I would talk history with her dad even when she told him not to. On the other side of things she only met my parents once and during that she went very quiet rather than her extrovert self she turned quite the opposite of me around her parent, introvert to extrovert.

If I had to mark a point to where things went downhill. It was when I met her friends from her home for the first time. We had arranged to meet in the capital (London) then go to the Opera. We waited in a coffee shop in the station we were to meet at and then it all came tumbling down. Her friends showed up, first the snappy short girl hand in hand with the second one a tall roundish self proclaimed anarchist.

The problem I had was that they were both drunk to the “need help walking” degree. They were celebrating finishing their A levels which I had done two years ago at age 17 them being 19-20. In each hand they had homemade gooseberry wine. They had done their A levels late for some stick it to the man reason. Now until the opera in 5 hours started I had to escort two drunkards around a busy capital city making sure they didn’t wander in front of a bus.


Oh man dat an arse to remember! Source: Danbooru

Thanks to their intoxication I learnt the sort of people they were. They were art house. These people were the kind of people that would not shop at big brand supermarkets because they were apparently “evil” (I take human geography as part of my degree I know why they are called evil even when they aren’t), they loved modern art and world cinema, they couldn’t enjoy anything main stream because it was, how you say, popular or being made by “the man” When we ate at an oriental cafe while they had ordered their own special natural fruit smoothies I found nothing to my taste and ordered a coke. They look they gave me when I said cola was that as if I had said I had recently murdered a small child than drank his blood.

They gave me a look of disgust and contempt. Already I was shunned by them for drinking a drink, I should have asked for tap water but then again I would be doing something that wasn’t me.

There I was sitting in a cafe being told off by drunken art house hippies for drinking a coke. My possible day of love and joy was destroyed beyond all repair. What sort of first impression were they trying to make? One of free spirit? After the Opera I had to deal with their now soberish questioning. Basically it was a quiz to see how cultured I was, I managed to blag my way through it satisfying their curiosity.



On the train back to her home I was put not to questioning but to arguments, they were people that found the thrill in debating, I was not this sort of person. I dodged question on mass, I found it annoying that I had to support everything I did or liked with a debate it couldn’t be just because I simply enjoyed it. I was thankful to sleep that night but there were problems. My girl friend was an insomniac, she didn’t sleep.

When she did it was for a few hours at most, she would try to keep me awake as long as possible and wake me up early by climbing into bed with me (we slept on two single beds because there wasn’t a double bed) and messing with my chest. Now this is a fault for me, I hate sharing a bed, I can’t seem to be comfortable with another person sleeping in the same bed as me. Odd yeah and I’ll have to get over it eventually but hey ho’

Waking up to someone tuning a radio on my chest isn’t a nice thing for me, it irritated me but I kept it to myself which in hindsight is a mistake.

The trip to oxford made things worse despite how well it went to her. During our trip to oxford we went to all the places she wanted to go to, weird art house shops, trendy independent cafes, modern art museums and galleries. I had to pick a place for us to eat at one point, I chose a Pizza Express (I guess you could call it a decent pizza place as it wasn’t fast food), she said yes to it happily, this was a lie, right after we left from the meal she told me “I don’t like Pizza” Out off all the other places we could have eaten at she doesn’t say about the one she didn’t want to go to. We only did one thing I wanted to do, we went to Oxford gardens and sat at special bench which was in one of my favourite books, the Northern Lights, I took a photo of her on that bench and now I wish I had one of just the bench.

I'm not saying where as I don't think he goes there anymore.

It was after our little oxford and London trip that I hit the wall of questions about everything. Perhaps it was her friends that finally made me realise that I wasn’t enjoying the relationship. I found myself questioning everything that we had done; she wasn’t the same as when I first met her.

She was not this cute, smiling, anime watching girl from my university she was a sarcastic, pretentious art house hipster who looked down on people with a snide look of disgust if they enjoyed anything she didn’t like. I was led on with a fake smile and then led myself on in ignorance and foolishness. They say you’ll like people when you get to know them but this is an obvious difference to that.

Bit by bit I put it all together, the trips, the talks, everything. I had realised I was actually disliked this person this women that I once had my heart set out for. If anything she had become this person as soon as she left university grounds as if only the academic surroundings stopped her from being her true self. It was a week after her birthday when I said I wanted to split up. I’m not proud of that.

For her birthday I said I would write her a romance novel, I had said this before I had these doubts so she knew for a month that I was writing this. To be more exact the day I split up from her was the day after father’s day, we had gone on a trip to the zoo with her dad on that day and all was fine in her eyes. No one expected me to break up with her.

Made by me and just look at the picture to get source.

In the eyes of the world we were the most stable happy couple ever. It was heart wrenching for us both, for her she was losing a lover and for me it was guilt, the guilt of doing this to a person was almost unbearable. We both cried, she wanted to make it work but alas I wouldn’t have it. To make it easier on her I did not say that it was because “I never truly loved you” but instead that it was me,

I become a villain and I did the worst thing and said the “It’s not you it’s me” this was a lie, of course it was her in my eyes she was something I hated but being the nice guy I had to make myself the villain by some weird compulsion. I do believe this was the best option but in hindsight there is always a better way. I left her with fake closure and I guess she’ll never realise that I never truly liked her for who she was.

At the time of our split I was half way through staying with her during the summer holidays, lucky for me that I had an aunt and uncle living in the same city. I stayed with them for a few days before heading home. I was a broken man racked with guilt of causing so much pain so unexpectedly. No one saw this coming aside me and no one knows the truth aside me but hey now its out.

Too lazy to do this properly

Oddly enough I kept on doing the novel as if driven by some feeling that it would redeem me. As we saw each other in society back at university I would give her small updates on how I was doing when I could be brave enough to approach her. I even got as far as having someone look at it for publishing when I was half done but when I told her this she just said “I don’t care what you are doing”

I just stopped, I have a half written steam punk romance novel on my computer worthy of a publisher’s attention but it will never see the light of day again. It’s just a memory of raw emotion that I had way back in times that feel like eons ago. I have since deleted it. It was too painful to look at.

She stopped going to society when I took the position of chairman, there was no reason for her not to come and in a bit of two facedness she said to me when we split up “You better keep coming to society or else” which I did, and she does not?


So I see her no more, the only things I hear of her are from the art based students in society who tell me she is now going out with someone just as pretentious as her, a roundish Scottish man 5 years her senior who himself loves art house. A perfect match maybe?

As for me well I still keep the truth to myself, people praise me for ending it on the basis that I did it because well I wasn’t ready for it.

Whatever relationship I have next I do hope that I am not a fool again.

I am well aware that what I say is and will always be bias. No matter what I say it’ll be bias so you can feel better knowing that I am well aware that she can tell a different story. Whatever goes.


Well done on getting to the end. As always here is your sexy reward for reading so much (Or skipping so  much)



3 responses to “Loved but not in Love

  1. Good on you sir for being able to share that with the world. Worth still coming to anime though wasn’t it? A fine job you’ve done aswell.


  3. Women are whores, but people who run away from facing their problems…are the worst.

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