Eating & Effort.
Again, a little about me, a little about my experiences, no media as effort is too long a post.
Eating for me is a touching subject, alot more than the people around me may realise. To the people around me I seem to be a weird black hole, a constant consumer of chocolate who doesn’t seem to get fat no matter how much chocolate they see me consume. What some people don’t realise is that I’m a fussy eater and sometimes its a real problem. If we go out I’m always worried that I won’t find something to eat and I’ll be faced with the question of “Why aren’t you eating?” I’m not very good at answering that especially if the whole reason I’m out with someone it to eat.
If I’m in a pinch about eating out I’ll usually find something I like, order it without a part I dislike and try to eat the bits I do like so it looks like I’ve eaten more than I have. It usually works but there are times (especially if something comes covered in a sauce) where i’ve just had to fiegn illness not to eat something. If you look carefully you can tell what it is a lot I don’t like. I only ever have plain cheese and tomato pizza (I’ll always ask for no tomato chunks on those fancier pizzas), I have Ketchup on alot of my food, I eat no fat bacon and the more subtle clue I drink alot of water with my food (I swallow it almost like a pill)
Not liking jam can be super awkward. Especially when it comes to cake as often I’ve helped made a cake with someone helped added the jam they wanted then refusign to eat it much to the others confusion. When someone who does know of my habits makes a cake I feel really bad they add butter icing to make it edible to me as it changes so much about the cake and its all to deal with my fussy eating. That enough for now as I’m not going into what I actually do like to eat today.
Effort. The things we put effort into.
When you put the effort into things and don’t get anything out of it, that can feel horrible. I don’t mean like helping out a charity for free because you get a feeling of accomplishment out of it at the end. I mean when you out heaps of effort into something and only get nothing or something bad back in return. Sort of like a bad grade in an essay that you thought you did really well on, that stuff chews at you for ages.
I put a lot of effort into trying to woo a girl once and all I got out of it was a bruised heart and a lot of wasted money. It began roughly 10 months ago when an online friend asked me if I could to his sister about where I lived (The UK, she was an American) I said yes put on my politest spelling and gave up all the knowledge. I would talk to her for hours explaining things about the UK and answering any of our questions. This was everyday for two weeks and as she ran out of questions the conversation tone changed. Eventually as we spoke through a microphone I got more comfortable with her (I can’t speak for her so I won’t put ‘got more comfortable with each other’ ) we exchanged normal pictures and eventually the conversations got more…flirty I guess? Heck I was falling for her and it was only the 4th person I’ve ever been serious about.
Some how, now long erased from my memory, I had offered to give her a tour of London. This was how I knew I was taking this serious as I had to find a place to stay in London, buy train tickets, buy some fresh smart clothes and all for possibly only a thanks at the end. I did research on places to visit, shows to see, underground routes the works all just for one person. What made it even more obvious to my effort was the willingness I was taking to dip into my pockets and use the rest of the small amount of cash I had, I wasn’t rich, I had no student load or income to prop me up. Everything I spent was not coming back any time soon. When we did meet it was bliss for me, I was showing a girl I was attracted to around somewhere new to her and familiar to me, she would have to rely on me and the effort I put into it.
At the end of a three day tour of London I had to go and well needless to say I did leave a crying girl at a train station. My funds were spent, my body tired and the relationship between us was now unclear. The pressure was enormous on me, I was sleeping in a questionable youth hostel in the centre of London aching my body as a slept nervous about the next while in a cheap poorly made bed. Having to eat out at the places she wanted ate at my wallet everyday as I couldn’t very well take her to a fast food restaurant especially if I’m trying to romance her and as mentioned earlier eating out is a struggle for me. Luckily most places to visit were free of charge but I had to steer her away from a show she wanted to see ( les miserables) as truth be told (and she still doesn’t know this yet) I couldn’t afford it so I made us watch a play my first girlfriend introduced to me, the brilliant “The Women in Black”. I did get her a gift, it was something I thought she would like and it was worth £50 (hopefully she’ll never find out as I think this entire post would make her feel bad) this was a Genuine ( with certification) Neolithic Flint arrowhead necklace sold to raise money for archaeological projects. Us being both Archaeologists I thought it was perfect but in the end her reaction wasn’t what I honestly wanted and she never even wore it while I was taking her around London which I guess I’m bitter about and I may be in the wrong for thinking that.
In the end despite the effort I put into it I got nothing out of it aside a memory that is now a sad one. It did not however end there. I shall not tell a lie, when I found out that she lived only 20 minutes from a best friend of mine who had immigrated to Texas where she also lived, my heart skipped a beat. It was almost too perfect, I now had more than enough reasons to visit my friend in Texas for my 21st birthday. While he worked his job on some days I could visit her and she said she would be giving me the tour. I wanted to see her again and I was going to put as much effort into getting myself to Texas as possible. The money spent on this was in excess of £2000 and not something I can look forward to for a long long time.
Needless to say things didn’t go as planned and with all my effort to see this girl I was starting to annoy my friend who was putting up with me who thought I was ignoring him. Eventfully on the last day on seeing her the questions were asked and awkward answer given. She had given off signs over the trip that I found to be indicated she was in fact attracted back to me but they were not in the end true. I had been led on and now hurt deeply. I came back to my friend late and he understood what had happened. He knew how hard it was for me to be attracted to a person in the first place and he knew that I had put this much effort into trying to make her love me. He understood and comforted me on it. I am very thankful he understood and so here is to you Ash, my bro, sorry for being a bad man in Texas.
There may of been reason for her not liking me the way I wish she would. On the day of my birthday me, her, my friend and his wife went out to celebrate. Needless to say I had drinks forced down my neck and I got while not drunk very tipsy and too talkative and so I just kept saying “You’re very pretty.” This as well as a stupid smiley grin on my face may of destroyed any chance I had. I have no idea. She said to me in the end, “I want to like you in that way but I can’t” I don’t honestly understand it even now. I felt that I had done so much, gave it my all, had the strength to take it all the way and in the end I was left heart broken. As I said at the start, When you put the effort into things and don’t get anything out of it, that can feel horrible.
I’m not sure how I want to wrap this up and I’m sure I haven’t mentioned everything but its late and I should stop at this 1664 word count. Right now I’m going to send Ash an email just to say how much he is a Bro to me. As for the girl, we still talked for a few months afterwards but I gave up, I just said to her out the blue that she broke my heart, being with a friend at the time she (my friend, not the girl I loved) thought I was joking around about it but inside I was bitter, sad and all sorts. I don’t talk to her any more and my talking with my brother has be periodic at best (surprisingly not because of her). Thanks for reading this whoever you are as getting this far is commendable considering the subject. I have no idea what to do now in the terms of love and romance as I have been shaken to my already unstable core. I may talk about this later but for now, Goodbye and thanks for reading.